2007 Christmas Party & Charitable Event

We had our annual Christmas Party and Charitable Event in memory of Catherine on the 15th. So far we've raised about $1600 to go towards more memory boxes--enough for another year! We are so thankful for all of our friends and family who contributed and supported us and our cause. It means so much to keep Catherine's memory alive and in a positive light. Thank you!

Do you know how much your are loved?

This was written by a mother who lost a boy to another mother who also lost a little boy on his birthday. It's eloquent and I believe needed to be shared.

Oh, sweet Nimkee! Do you know how much you are loved? Can you feel the warmth from where you are? What would you say to us, when you see tears flowing down our cheeks because we miss you, dear boy? I wonder the same of my own angel boy..what would he say, what would he do? But there is no "what would he"..but instead "what do you do when..."...so let me ask you two this...what do you do when our eyes overflow with the sadness of hearts? Do you reach out your little fingers and softly wipe them away...is that your touch, the gentle breeze we feel? What do you do when you feel our love radiate from our souls? Do you glide through the clouds, celebrating the love your mommies hold dear for you? I wonder what you two do? What do you all do...I want to know...there are so many angels up there with you! Such a clan, I wish I was there but my time has not come. We all miss you, every single one. You are all remembered and loved. I smile when I see clouds, ladybugs, rainbows, butterflies, rain, sun, sunflowers, daisies, snails, little cute animals in all shapes and sizes, winnie-the-pooh and crazy tigger too, and pennies, and sport stuff and when I hear songs and thunder and wind chimes too, silence and cries, when I feel the breeze and the love enter my soul. Never do I forget any of our precious angels, all of you up there are in my heart, in my soul! I thank you all for sharing your babies, your precious angels, with me!

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Please light a candle from 7-8pm on the 15th in rememberance of all of the babies lost. A mother who lost a child made this video (click on the link below) and I thought it would be fitting to share.

http://www.onetruemedia.com/otm_site/share_view_player?p=3e057fb717ff8a8d5ea4f5

Stillbirth Support & Advocacy Symposium

October 22-23, 2007
Washington, DC

*Obtained from www.firstcandle.org

First Candle is pleased to announce that it will host the inaugural Stillbirth Support & Advocacy Symposium October 22-23, 2007.

Set to coincide with a meeting of the Stillbirth Collaborative Research Network, the symposium will offer stillbirth parents an opportunity to hear from leading stillbirth researchers and meet with representatives on Capitol Hill.

Additionally, we will launch a National Stillbirth Peer Support Network, providing training to peer advocates who will offer support to bereaved families in their communities.

As space is limited, we are asking interested individuals to complete a pre-registration application. It is our goal to select a geographically diverse, ambitious group of participants that will help us gain the momentum needed to push this important agenda forward.

There will be no charge for the Symposium, and breakfast on both days and lunch and dinner on Monday will be complimentary. Unfortunately, at this time, we do not have the ability to underwrite air travel or hotel expenses but are actively seeking funding that could possibly make scholarships available.

Stillbirth Collaborative Research Network

In 2003, the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD) established the Stillbirth Collaborative Research Network (SCRN) to study the extent and causes of stillbirth in the United States. The SCRN encompasses five clinical sites: Brown University, Rhode Island; Emory University, Georgia; University of Texas, Medical Branch at Galveston, Texas; University of Texas, Health Sciences Center at San Antonio, Texas; and University of Utah Health Sciences Center, Utah and a Data Coordinating and Analysis Center- Research Triangle Institute International, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

The network covers substantial portions of 5 states - Rhode Island, Massachusetts, Georgia, Texas and Utah - and reflects urban/rural and racial diversity. The network aims include: (1) obtaining a geographic, population-based determination of the incidence of stillbirth defined as fetal death at 20 weeks gestation or greater and (2) determining the causes of stillbirth using a standard stillbirth postmortem protocol, to include review of clinical history, protocols for autopsy and pathologic examinations of the fetus and placenta, and other postmortem tests to illuminate genetic, maternal, and other environmental influences for stillbirth.

The network developed a multi-site, population-based, hypothesis-driven, case-control study, with prospective enrollment of stillbirths as cases and of live births as controls. The goal is to enroll 500 cases of stillbirth with full evaluations performed (including fetal autopsies) and 1,850 control live births with an over-sampling of preterm births. The full study protocol began in May 2006 with 56 hospitals currently participating in the study.

The information derived from this five-year study will benefit families who have experienced a stillbirth, women who are pregnant or who are considering pregnancy, and their physicians. In addition, the knowledge will support future research aimed at improving preventive and therapeutic interventions and understanding the pathological mechanisms that lead to stillbirth.

Eight Years Later

This was posted by a mother who lost her child 8 years ago today. It was so well written that it needed to be shared:

My heart stopped beating. My world was forever changed. My faith vanished. My soul left my body. My innocense was taken. My personality changed. My dreams disappeared. My past life became such a blurry memory. My new life seemed destined for someone else. My being made no sense. Rage became my most used feeling. My daughter died. My daughter died. My daughter died.

We never forget.

Arkansas Signs Missing Angel Act

Published: Wednesday, August 15, 2007 11:23 AM CDT

Arkansas is one of the latest states in the nation to approve the issuance of birth certificates to parents of stillborn infants.

Act 509 of 2007 was approved by the 86th General Assembly this spring - by 35 to 0 in the Senate and 100-0 in the House. It took effect July 31. It authorizes the state Vital Records Division of the Arkansas Health Department to issue a "certificate of birth resulting in stillbirth" to the parent if such a certificate is requested. Officials who file death certificates in the state would be required to inform the parent or parents of a stillbirth that a "birth certificate for stillbirth" was available.

The parent or parents would still be required to pay the usual $12 certificate fee and, if they choose, can provide a name for the stillborn. If no name is provided, records personnel will be required to use "baby boy" or "baby girl," along with the last name of the parent seeking the certificate.

Stillbirth, under the law, is defined as "an unintended, intrauterine fetal death occurring in this state after a gestational period of not less than 20 completed weeks."

Arkansas joins at least 20 other states to adopt such certificates in the last six years. Proponents of the practice - primarily mothers who lost their babies in stillbirth - say it's a symbolic way to recognize their existence. Previously, only a death certificate was issue to a parent.

Nationally, some 29,000 stillbirths occur each year, including about 300 in Arkansas. The movement across the nation to get such certificates is called the "Missing Angel" effort.

In some states - but not Arkansas - there were some concerns that such a certificate could lead to insurance fraud or that the certificates would be a way for the state to identify a fetus as a "person" and, thus, a hindrance to abortion rights. Those involved in the Arkansas effort to make the certificates available made sure that their intentions were clear, and the issue sailed through both chambers and their respective committees.

Richard K. Olsen, Founder & Executive Director
THE NATIONAL STILLBIRTH SOCIETY

With lots of love and Angel Kisses

With lots of love and Angel Kisses.....from your Angel

I was sitting here in Heaven and having a wonderful day,
I started thinking about you and all the things I didn't get a chance to say

I don't want you to worry about me and please don't shed any tears,
Because I will wait for you in heaven if it take a hundred years;

Everything you have on Earth I have in heaven too!
My first day here my body became brand new;

It is really pretty here and I love my new home,
Although your heart is broken because my body is gone;

My love will always be there as you go along the way,
Just take a peek inside your Heart there is where I'll stay;

Know that I loved my family and all my friends too,
My thoughts will be with each of you your whole life through.

Who Gets in Your Bucket?

Who Gets in Your Bucket?
By Doug Manning
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

The best way I know to picture how we receive help from others in grief, is to imagine you are holding a bucket. The size and color doesn't matter. The bucket represents the feelings bottled up inside of you when you are in pain. If you have suffered a loss, hold the bucket and think through how you feel right now. If you are reading this to learn more about helping others, then imagine what would be in your bucket if a loved one had died very recently. What is in your bucket?

Fear. Will I survive? What will happen to me now? Who will care for me? Who will be with me when I need someone near? Most likely your bucket is almost full just from the fear. But there is also:

Pain. It is amazing how much physical pain there is in grief. Your chest hurts, and you can't breathe. Sometimes the pain is so intense your body refuses to even move. There is enough pain to fill the bucket all by itself.

Sorrow. There is devastating sadness; overwhelming sorrow. A gaping hole has been bitten out of your heart and it bleeds inside your very soul. You cry buckets of tears and then cry some more.

Loneliness. There is no lonely like that felt when you are in a room full of people and totally alone at the same time. Loneliness alone can fill any bucket ever made.

I could go on, but that's enough to get the idea across, and hopefully get you started thinking through your own list. What is in your bucket? Now picture someone like me approaching you and your bucket. I also have a bucket. My bucket is full of explanations. I am armed and ready to explain why your loved one had to die, how they are now better off and how you should feel. I am also well equipped with new ways to look at your loss. In politics they call that "spin doctoring," but most human beings seem to know this skill by instinct. I have almost a bucketful of comforting words and encouraging sayings. I can also quote vast amounts of scriptures. I seem to favor the ones that tell you not to grieve.

So we face each other armed with full buckets. The problem is, I don't want to get into your bucket. Yours is scary. If I get in there, you might start crying and I may not be able to make you stop. You might ask me something I could not answer. There is too much intimacy in your bucket. I want to stand at a safe distance and pour what is in my bucket into yours. I want the things in my bucket to wash over your pain like some magic salve to take away your pain and dry your tears. I have this vision of my words being like cool water to a dry tongue. Soothing and curing as it flows.

But your bucket is full. There is no room for anything that is in my bucket. Your needs are calling so loudly there is no way you could hear anything I say. Your pain is far too intense to be cooled by any verbal salve, no matter how profound. The only way I can help you is to get into your bucket, to try to feel your pain, to accept your feelings as they are and make every effort to understand. I cannot really know how you feel. I cannot actually understand your pain or how your mind is working under the stress, but I can stand with you through the journey. I can allow you to feel what you feel and learn to be comfortable doing so. That is called, "Getting into your bucket."

I was speaking on guilt and anger in grief to a conference of grieving parents. I asked the group what they felt guilty about. I will never forget one mother who said, "All the way to the hospital, my son begged me to turn back. He did not want the transplant. He was afraid. I would not turn back, and he died." I asked her how many times someone had told her that her son would have died anyway. She said, "Hundreds." When I asked her if that had helped her in any way she said, "No." I asked her how many times she had been told that she was acting out of love and doing the right thing, she gave the same two responses. Many times and, no, it did not help." I asked her how many times she had been told that God had taken her son for some reason, and she gave the same responses- "many" and "no help." I asked how many times someone had told her that it had been four years since her son's death and that it was time to "Put that behind you and get on with your life."

This time she responded with great anger that she had heard that from many wellmeaning people, including family members, and that it not only did not help, it added to her pain and made her angry.

What I was really asking her is, "How many people have tried to pour their buckets into yours?" I then said, "Would it help if I hugged you and said `that must really hurt'?" She said, "That would help a great deal. That would really help." Why would that help? Because I was offering to get into her bucket with her and to be in her pain, instead of trying salve over her pain with words and explanations.

If you are in pain, find someone who will get into your bucket. Most of the time these folks are found in grief groups or among friends who have been there. It is not normal procedure. It is hard to swallow our fears and climb into your bucket.

If you are reading this to find ways to help others in grief, then lay aside your explanations and your words of comfort. Forget all of the instructions and directions you think will help and learn to say, "That must really hurt." I think that is the most healing combination of words in the English language. They really mean, "May I feel along with you as you walk through your pain?" "May I get into your bucket?"

Healing happens in their buckets

Normal Grief

If you think you are going insane, that's normal

If all you can do is cry, that's normal

If you can't taste your food, or any appetite, that's normal

If you find yourself enjoying a funny moment then feeling guilty, that's normal

If your friends dwindle away and you feel like you have the plague, that's normal

If your blood boils when someone says, "it was God's will", that's normal

If you can't talk about it, but you can smash plates, shed paper, or kick the garbage can, that's normal

If you can share your story, your feelings, with an understanding listener, that's a beginning

If you can get a glimmer of your beloved's life rather than his or her death, that's wonderful

If you can remember your loved one with a smile, that's healing

If you find your mirrors have become windows, and you are able to reach out to other bereaved parents, that's God's Grace.

Author Unknown

MISS Foundation PSA

The MISS Foundation has released a public service announcement that portrays the experiences of bereaved parents after stillbirth. A very sensitive and controversial video, it speaks of the enormity ofthis public health issue. The main point of this video is targeted towards states that do not offer birth certificates for still born babies. The MISS Foundation actively campaigns to those states to pass a "MISSing Angels Bill" to provide a birth certificate to the parents. I am happy to say that the state of Virginia passed the MISSing Angels Bill a couple of years ago and I got a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth for Catherine, but there are so many other parents out there who get nothing but a death certificate.

If you're interested in viewing the PSA, it can be found at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNvTDTK-0Jk

California - Certificates wanted for stillborn babies

Certificates wanted for stillborn babies

Abel Maldonado is backing a proposal to issue special documents to parents

By Bob Cuddy

For Sunita and Jason Olazabal, the pregnancy had been “beautiful,” as Jason puts it. Thirty-eight weeks with no problems. But two weeks before the due date last year, the couple went in for a routine checkup. The doctor could not find a fetal heartbeat. The parents-tobe saw a second doctor: still no heartbeat. Doctors induced labor, and 24 hours later Soraya Carolina Olazabal was born— not breathing.

Thus, the Olazabals joined the 3,000 other California families each year who give birth to a stillborn child. There are 39,000 stillbirths annually nationwide — one in every 100 births. Until now, such parents have been issued a death certificate. But a nationwide movement to recognize their pain as well as acknowledge the child has reached the California Legislature, after prevailing in 18 states. However, it has become caught up in the politics of abortion.

The proposal is Senate Bill 850, known as the Missing Angels Act. It would allow parents whose children were stillborn to receive a “certificate of birth resulting in stillbirth.” The bill passed the Senate Health Committee on Wednesday after hours of negotiation. It would allow families to receive a “certificate of still birth.” The bill is expected to move forward to the Senate Judiciary Committee later this month.

Sen. Abel Maldonado, R-Santa Maria, a chief sponsor, says he decided to carry the bill after hearing stories of women who have been affected. And as the father of four children, he says he understands how painful it would be to lose a pregnancy.

The bill’s proponents say it helps comfort the parents who are devastated by the loss of their child. Jason Olazabal, whose child was stillborn Nov. 3, says it is a shattering experience. Having nothing left but a death certificate is a bleak outcome, he says.

Recovering from the stillbirth, he says five months after the experience, is still “moment to moment.When we left the hospital, it was very tough. Early on, it was very somber; now the days are better.”

“Her life, as short as it was, was real,” he says of his child.

Though waning, grief can be triggered unexpectedly, he says. “Walking down the street and seeing a baby carriage can trigger it,” he says. Going to a Dodgers game this spring brought up memories from a year ago, when he and his wife had planned to attend a game this year with their new baby, clad in pink.

The certificate won’t bring back their child, but it will acknowledge the child’s existence, he says. “It’s a little something else.” Therein, opponents say, lies the potential problem. “We want to be compassionate, and we totally empathize with women who have experienced this,” says Ana Sandoval, with the Planned Parenthood Affiliates of California. “But any time you’re dealing with vital statistics, there can be unintended consequences.”

Opponents fear that the bill has the potential to change the legal definition of when a fetus becomes a person, which could lead to limits on a woman’s reproductive rights. Sandoval’s organization is working with Maldonado and other legislators to bridge this gap.

To the Olazabals, the political discussion is academic. To them, this is about the pain of having a stillborn child. They have formed a support group in Santa Monica where they live, and have found other parents who have gone through the same heartbreak.

After Wednesday’s committee vote, Maldonado said in a written statement he was “frustrated that we had to concede to opposing groups so much.”

Staff writer AnnMarie Cornejo contributed to this report.

Article in the Sacramento Bee

Anita Creamer: Honoring a life and loss
Sacramento Bee Columnist (Sacramento, California)
Published 12:00 am PDT Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Story appeared in SCENE section, Page E1Print E-Mail Comments (5)

When a child is stillborn, parents are left devastated, but in California, they depart the maternity ward with nothing but a death certificate.

"The government recognizes the death of our son," says Sari Edber, 27, who lives in Los Angeles. "And the government mandates final disposition of the remains.

"I want them to recognize that my son was born. He was real. It would be easy to forget."

In 17 other states, bereaved parents can choose to receive a certificate acknowledging the stillbirth. But not in California -- not yet.

Edber and other members of the Mothers in Sympathy and Support (MISS) Foundation, a group dedicated to aiding families after the death of a child, are determined to change that.

"I wish you could've sat in on some of the meetings we had with these women," says state Sen. Abel Maldonado, R-Santa Maria, who's introducing legislation to give grieving California parents the option of being issued a "Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth."

"When they bring out their albums of pictures, with their hands holding their baby's tiny hand -- my Lord. It's just hard."

Stillbirth occurs an estimated 3,300 times each year in California -- across the country, up to 39,000 times. That's a surprising statistic in a country more accustomed to assuming that every wanted pregnancy has a happy outcome.

"I have four children," says Maldonado. "To see what these women have gone through is hard. They had a baby. They went through the whole process."

And they were left crushed by the loss.

When I wrote in January about a young woman named Catriona Harris -- whose son, Brady, was stillborn and who gave birth to a second child, a daughter named Reilly, last summer -- I heard from dozens of people whose lives, too, had been touched by stillbirth.

One was a man whose first child was stillborn in 1971. The hurt, it seems, never really vanishes, even when healthy babies come along later.

Sari Edber's son, Jacob, was stillborn July 20, 2006.

"He had my nose and my husband's features," says Edber, a teacher and volunteer lobbyist for MISS. "He was a perfect combination of us. He was our firstborn.

"Jacob's a part of our family. We'll have other children, but he'll always be their big brother."

In states where the certificate of stillbirth is already available, more than 70 percent of eligible parents elect to receive it, says Maldonado.

With the "MISSing Angels" bill, he says, "I don't want to say it will provide closure. These parents will never have closure. But there should be a recognition."

A validation, if you will, of their babies' brief existence.

Stillbirth is defined as unintentional fetal death after 20 weeks or more of gestation. The bill specifies that the new certificates aren't meant as proof of life.

"This isn't a pro-life, pro-choice issue," says Maldonado. "It's a personal issue that's important to women who've gone through this."

As common as stillbirth is -- affecting as many as one in 100 American pregnancies -- it's amazing that we don't talk about it more. Maybe we'd rather not think about it. But some people don't have a choice.

"I could talk for hours about why this bill is important," says Edber. "This bill recognizes the fact that I had a son. I gave birth. He was born. He existed."

Under the bill's provisions, California parents who choose the certificate would pay a fee for it.

Catriona Harris would like one.

"Absolutely, it's something I'd want," says Harris, 28, a public relations executive who grew up in Folsom and now lives in Florida. "It's another way of saying our child had a life, even if he only lived inside the womb."

Right now, we only have one legal document with his name on it. His death certificate."

About the writer:• Anita Creamer's column appears Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays in Scene. Reach her at (916) 321-1136 or acreamer@sacbee.com. Back columns: www.sacbee.com/creamer.

Introduction

"The personal anguish is great, but more often it is of the sort that most of us experience during the course of simply living fully. The key lies not in our suffering, but in our ability to use it to connect with the pain of others. Held poorly, our torment seals us off from others or disables us; held well, awareness of our own pain enables us to resonate with that of others and work toward the healing of the whole community. " -The Power of One (www.yesmagazine.org)

On February 19, 2005 our daughter, Catherine Bailey Czajkowski, was born silently into this world when Jill was 40 weeks, 2 days into her pregnancy. She was our firstborn and her eyes never saw this world. She was 6 pounds, 2 ounces, 19.5 inches long, and absolutely beautiful. She also had her father Andy's eyes and Jill's nose--she was a perfect "merger" of the two of us. After an autopsy and genetic testing, her official cause of death is unknown.

That day, our lives changed significantly. We were devastated. Instead of calling family and friends to announce the joyous arrival of our daughter, we repeatedly had to deliver the tragic news that she had passed away. We ached to have our little girl with us.

As we continued to grieve and try to heal our wounds, we talked about preserving Catherine's memory. We wanted to do something positive to honor her instead of dwelling in despair. Our focus turned towards helping other parents who go through the same tragedy. We wanted to provide them some comfort. We contacted the hospital where Jill delivered Catherine and told them how we wanted to help. Then, we changed the theme of our annual Christmas party to a charitable event. We asked guests to donate to the hospital's Perinatal & Infant Loss Fund in Catherine's memory or to the MISS Foundation (Mothers in Sympathy and Support). We raised over $2500 that night!

Next, we worked with a wonderful hospital representative to designate how the money raised in Catherine's memory should be used and came up with the idea for memory boxes. We located a company to make the boxes and presented 25 boxes to the Labor & Delivery ward in May 2006. These boxes are decorated in beautiful white padded satiny fabric and contain a hat, gown, blanket, baby ring/necklace, hand/foot imprint kit, and more. Each box also contains a card that states that "This memory box was donated by the parents of Catherine Bailey Czajkowski". This past year, our second annual charitible Christmas Party, we raised over $3500! We used that money to order 36 more boxes for the hospital, as only two remained from our initial donation.

Every one in 115 pregnancies results in stillbirth and yet we do not hear much about it। We hear all about SIDS, but more children die from stillbirth each year than SIDS! So many families are going through the worst experience of their life-losing a child and not much is being done to help them through difficult times. It means so much to us to be able to provide some comfort to them during their darkest hour.

It's been over two years now since Catherine passed away. We've established a "new normal" because we recognize that the old normal will never return. We've learned that the pain of losing a child will never go away, instead we've learned how to live through it. This past September, we were blessed with the birth of our second-born, a son named AJ. He is such a joy in our lives, however there isn't a day that goes by where we do not think about Catherine. We miss our little girl and love her dearly and we wish she were here to grow up together with her little brother.

Our goal this year is to create a foundation in Catherine's memory called "Catherine's Light". Our mission is to provide comfort to parents who lose a child to stillbirth. We want to show them that there can be light in the midst of darkness. We will continue to fundraise and provide memory boxes, but there are many other things that we'd like to do including creating and dedicating a memorial garden at the hospital, providing teddy bears to parents, working to provide professional pictures of their child, remembering their children during the holidays and anniversaries, and working with funeral homes to donate funeral costs for their children. We will also continue to bring stillbirth awareness and will post updates to this blog regularly.